I started this year, and this firm in particular, with so much enthusiasm.
Looking back, four weeks in, it's quite hard to identify the point at which I lost it.
I feel as if any enjoyment has been systematically beaten out of me by long hours, pointless make-work tasks & being ignored and replaced by complete and utter apathy.
I find it practically impossible to motivate myself to get out of bed and drag myself into the freezing pre-dawn morning to face another day of worthless boredom punctuated by being made to feel worthless, stupid and in the way.
I find it hard to blame the rest of the team, undoubtedly, they're all stressed and under pressure, working long hours in poor conditions. Understandably, the effort to teach and entertain a bunch of students must come hard. However, the firm is designated as a teaching firm, there's extra money in it for the boss, by all accounts a lot of money, I would like to think that the medical school (and the taxpayer at large) is getting value for money.
I could shoulder some of the blame myself, it's supposedly up to me to arrange my own teaching and learn independently. I apologise, I find this hard to do when it seems positively discouraged by members of the team who would rather we followed them whilst remaining discretely out of the way.
Ultimately, I am now just trying to ride out the last few weeks of this placement before rotating into something that's, hopefully, a little less unpleasant. I can not be bothered with the team, the patients or the work anymore.
tomorrow I may feel different - I doubt it.
3 comments:
I guess i'm just bored at this time really so I felt, though I have no words of any use to offer, that I should wish you good luck with your next firm.
Hopefully it'll be much better than the one to which you're currently attached!
Hi Renal, it's Han here (can't be bothered to register etc etc). Just thought I'd say I check your blog out from time to time. Nicely written ...
I hate to say it but the feelings you have on your latest posting are feelings that I've heard on a regular basis from the junior (and even not so junior) docs I know.
I don't know quite how they all get through it. This is why I spend a lot of my time trying to convince people NOT to do medicine.
I guess you have to find what makes it worthwhile to you - whether that's developing a morbid SOH or spending a lot of time talking about what you've just done and seen over several pints with colleagues (any kind will do) - this is where all you bright young things get to see what you have really let yourselves in for - and have to work out a way to cope. It's not easy, no doubt about it.
Don't forget to ask for help, seek shoulders, laugh about the stupid mundane shit, remember that some people are grateful and some can't say it, that there is an end to the day, that there is a pint at the end of the day, that there is more to life than this. :)
My consultant told me today that he's being bombarded with demands to do University work, but he is not paid for it, nor is he given any time to do it. He's been fitting it in because, apparently, if he does it for long enough he'll get a Senior Lecturer title. Apparently he still won't get any time or money to do the work though. We wondered where the money was going but couldn't think of anywhere in our department it might be. It's definitely not in our department in the form of teaching or research funding. What a mystery!
Anyway, keep in mind it's not because the docs don't want to teach you, but because someone's nicked all the money and there are few provisions made for clinicians to teach on the shop floor.
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